February 2011
A barstool. Um gonna go with bashing to death with it.
January 2011
BECAUSE YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE ASKING ME SOMETHING. ALWAYYYYSSSSS.
Ask or say anything. http://formspring.me/NocturnalZombie
I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone do that. But I’m sure it’s possible.
I’m not suicidal.
But I do often consider how happier pretty much everyone would be with out me. How nice it would be not to feel this way anymore.
And most people woldn’t even know I was gone. I know they wouldn’t. Pretty much no one calls me, no one messages me, no one talks to me. If I stopped existing it would be weeks before someone even realized.
That though it depressing all on it’s own.
I repeat, I am NOT suicidal, I have no plans to harm myself.
no one to turn to.
I have no one.
Broken goods that no one wants to deal with.
My mom left saying she didn’t care where she’d end up.
Don’t know when she’ll be back.
Waiting for dad to come in an yell at me until I’m more broken then I already am.
I was right no one read what I posted last.
But a lot of that is connected to this.
I don’t think she’s a jerk. I think that sometimes she acts like one. I think she’s a wonderful, fantastic person, and I love her more than anything in the world. But when she gets this way, nothing I say or do makes a difference; it just pisses her off. I’d disengage, but that pisses her off too….
A period makes that different. f she just did it out of nowhere ok, but as a boyfriend you should understand what happens and be able to understand that she isn’t doing it on purpose and you shouldn’t take offense. You essentially wait it out. You give her support and love as you would normaly, regardless of what you get in return.
It’s unfair to just say as you did, “oh it’s the time of the month where she’s a jerk hope it goes away in time for this event.” That’s not fair to her at all. Some people have serious hormone fluctuations during that time and the way you said that, was actually pretty offensive to those people. I’m not even one of the people who has it super bad, and that’s offensive.
I am serious, people who tell other people who are unhappy or upset or anything like that, to just try NOT being that emotions and being happy etc, are assholes.
Especially when they don’t even ask WHY you are that emotion. They pretend they understand but they know nothing. They don’t know how hard it is to be real happy at all anymore. They don’t understand what my dad does to me on a daily basis pretty much, and the fact he’s done it since I can remember. And I mean that literally, conscious thought has always had him being how he is now. Maybe slight changes yes, but not enough to give him any credit at all, and most of the changes were not for the better.
So to tell me just BE happy is rude and frustrating. ANd to keep going after I’m saying to do so makes someone less happy, makes you an asshole.
And to the person who liked the ever more excessive comment:
I am SO SO sick of you ad how you are treating me.
I sat there and helped you through ALL your fucking problems. And let you rant, I let you talk to me whenever you were unhappy. ANd what happened when I decided to turn to you for anything? WHat happened when I opened up and told you any of the reasons I was unhappy at any point?
You yell at me. You tell me to stop whining. You tell me I’m MAKING FUCKING SHIT UP. You tell me I should just be happy.
And I am tired of your attitude towards someone you called a bestfriend, especially all the effort I gave to you. YOu don’t even talk to me anymore. You abandoned me just like I said would happen if I opened up. ANd now you go out of your way to talk shit about me. You post facebook status dedicated to me being a whiner who needs to suck it up ( funny that sounds more like you considering you literally caused most of your problems, but I just talked you through it…). You tell people when I would leave a room how bitchy/whiny I was being, etc. Why bother?
Why am I not allowed to be upset; I have real issues, but I can’t bother to tell anyone because they all tell me I’m making a big deal out of everything. That they tell me stuff so I should just believe it, about myself and otherwise. They don’t understand what happens to you after constant emotional abuse from a parent.
I at least admit that each person’s issues though similar are not the same, and so something that works for one person is not true for all. But no. I am the one who should suck it up. I’m the one who makes a big deal out of everything, even though I warn people about me. I tell people I’m not ok and that I don’t know how strong I can be anymore. And yet they still get mad at me. They still get annoyed with me, they still decie to cut me out of their lives because…well I guess I understand that part. I already think I’m disgusting, pathetic, worthless and the lot, so sure they don’t want to bother with broken goods. Not many would bother, so in that respect I at least can’t blame them.
I can blame them for leaving after asking for what’s wrong, asking to know me, etc.
I’m so tired of all this. I really am.
Most of my friends, the ones who haven’t left me, are online and in different states or even countries. How sad is it that the only people who seem to actually care have never met me in person?
* sigh* That was longer than intended. And no one will read it. Not that I expect anyone to, but oh well.
Can it go by like on autopilot and end with me finishing al my homework and not having to even talk to or look at my dad?
Please?
Like seriously PLEASE?
I don’t want to get yelled at. I’m losing the mental strength to be ok.
It’s making me be less and less ok when I’m stuck being alone.
Which makes me lash at at others who don’t deserve the amount I give out.
Even if I have a right to be angry I should be able to just move on and ignore more of it then I seem to be able to now.
And today was already shitty by default.
Tomorrow will probably be more of the same.
Except that I’m probably gonna be broken down until I cry if my dad decides to yell at me again over something that it complete and utter bullshit.
It isn’t fair. Yes I know life isn’t fair, but this is actual bullshit, balls out, unfair.
*sigh*
